His phone passcode suddenly becomes
a secret.
After you grabbed the phone from your
husband’s hand that night in the bar, he
refused to put his passcode in. Your heart
pounded.
The red flag you missed was that in years
prior, he’d never been secretive about
passwords on his phone, email, and
Facebook; you shared those things openly.
If your husband has changed his protocol
and passwords, it might be worth taking a
closer look, especially if he’s doing any
other things mentioned here.
Observe and watch for differences in his
behavior from what has been the norm.
Have a conversation with him and be
aware of how many “I” statements he
makes. Does he always suggest you need to
change? Claiming you made him feel
angry or act a certain way? Is he getting
defensive easily and laying blame on you?
If you confront him, he’ll deny, deny,
deny, so stay vigilant and stand your
ground. Don’t be satisfied with not seeing
his password protected accounts if you ask
to see them. Yes, our privacy is important,
but if your sense of trust is at stake, it’s a
request. He’ll do his best to make you
think you’re just being paranoid.
He starts to drink, smoke, and avoid
you.
Aside from the other women, has he
picked up any bad habits? That guilt issue
may seep out in self-destructive habits. In
those last two years, my ex and I were
both over-consuming alcohol, but it fueled
his anger and it numbed your pain. Not a
good combination, as it led to arguments,
accusations and hangovers. I believe his
over-consumption stemmed from his guilt,
or his deep desire to leave you but his
inability to tell you.
In those chaotic last two years, my ex was
also trying to hide his cigarettes like his
mistresses; but eventually, when you see
smoke there’s fire.
Be aware if you notice an uptake in
smoking, drinking, gambling, and even
spending. Again, you’re keeping an eye out
for a change in normal activity. His
cheating is like a cancer cell—an abnormal
change in behavior—and you’re looking
for irregularities .
Does it seem like he just doesn’t want to
spend time with you? He’s too busy with
work to come home to eat, he needs time
with the guys on the weekend, that big
game is on and he just can’t miss it, or
he’s too tired to talk and needs to
decompress alone?
You finally started wondering why he stayed
with you when most of his actions told you
he didn’t want to spend time with you. In
the beginning of you marriage, he wanted
to sit at the table with you and voiced
appreciation that you cooked and took care of
the house. Pay attention to his actions, not
his words and empty promises.
He was manscaping and getting buff.
Yes, it’s nice for a man to groom himself,
but when he starts shaving and trimming
down more than he’s ever done in the
past, it’s something to question. Is he more
enamored with his own body than yours
when you stand next to him in front of the
bathroom mirror? That’s a big red flag.
My ex even had me shave the back of his
neck and trim the errant patches on his
mid-back, and little did I know I was
grooming him for his sex partners.
Of course, physical fitness is healthy, but
when it becomes obsessive and he keeps
showing off his abs and biceps, take that
as a warning sign that could lead to him to
become more enthralled with his own
body than his commitment to your
marriage.
It got to the point where your husband
would prefer to work out and come home
at 10 pm, rather than have dinner with you
at home. He resisted your requests and told
you I didn’t understand or appreciate how
hard he was working to provide for us. I
wanted to be a supportive wife, so I
backed off my needs for quality time with
him.
He stops inviting you out to business
events.
Is he out several nights a week meeting
with clients, vendors, agencies and people
from his department or team? Have you
been excluded from the social gatherings,
and then learn other spouses had
attended? This is a pretty good indication
that he’s up to something. It may not
be quite infidelity, but he’s flirting with it,
as well as some woman who
“understands” how hard he works.
My husband told me he didn’t want me
around at business parties because he felt
inhibited around me and responsible for
me . In the past, when he’d stand close to
me when I was welcome at business
functions. The important thing is to look
for changes in what had been the norm.
In the last two years of my marriage I had
no self-esteem, so I tolerated his behavior
and believed his lies. Spare yourself the
torture I describe in my book, Wine, Sex &
Suicide: My Near Death Divorce . Have a
backbone and stand up for yourself,
starting now.
. He suddenly becomes angry.
Is he showing anger and volatility that he
never had before? That could be his guilt
turned outward toward you. He may feel a
sense of guilt for cheating but can’t man
up to tell you the truth, so it’s his
unconscious protection mechanism to keep
him safe that has him blaming you for his
outbursts.
The first sign I got was when he told me I
was antagonizing him by leaving the
ironing board up after pressing his shirts.
He said I was purposefully trying to piss
him off because he thought I resented
ironing. I loved ironing.
We went to counseling. Sitting on the
therapist’s couch he draped his arm
around me and told her I didn’t admire,
respect, understand or listen to him. And, I
didn’t keep the house clean enough.
Don’t tolerate his moody, guilt-fueled
blame and accusations. He is in charge of
his own emotions, but the guilty mind
will wriggle around anything to avoid
telling the truth. He’ll blame his anger on
something you did or said, or some
situation at work.
If he’s become more critical of you, your
choice in clothing, where you want to go
for dinner, or the sound of your ringtone
(even if it’s been the same one for years),
that should clue you in to his inner
turmoil. Don’t take it personally like I did;
that will erode your self-esteem like a
crashing wave on a sandcastle.
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